Saturday, January 26, 2013

Ten things I expect to see in the Star Wars universe now that JJ Abrams is taking over

When it was first announced that Disney would be taking over the ‘Star Wars’ franchise I was understandably leery.

Don’t get me wrong, I love ‘Star Wars’ and I love Disney – in fact I have two different rooms in my house dedicated to both – but it was a big move.

Then Disney announced that Michael Arndt would be writing the script. Who is Michael Arndt? He’s the guy who wrote ‘Little Miss Sunshine.’
Suddenly things were looking up. Fans didn’t have to worry about Arndt writing painful “meesa” jokes and demanding fans find them funny.

As a devout ‘Star Wars’ fan, I can’t pretend that the prequels are good movies.

I actually like ‘Revenge of the Sith,’ but ‘Attack of the Clones’ is the worst movie in the franchise, and ‘The Phantom Menace’ isn’t far behind. Somewhere along the line, George Lucas got addicted to computer graphics to the detriment of the story.

Now, I don’t doubt Disney is going to utilize computer graphics. They’re also going to bring in people that are going to put a quality script together – one that (hopefully) won’t have some of the worst dialogue known to man in it.

Abrams has already resurrected ‘Star Trek’ – and wonderfully so. He’s capable of doing great things with ‘Star Wars.’

With that in mind, I thought it might be fun to put a wishlist together of things fans want to see Abrams bring to the franchise (Note: This is meant for entertainment purposes only).

As a big fan of both ‘Lost’ and ‘Alias,’ I’m looking forward to Abrams’ take on my favorite franchise.

So, here are the top ten things I expect to see in an Abrams ‘Star Wars’ movie:

10. The Smoke Monster Cometh: Whatever dark Jedi tries to take on the Force is going to have a rude awakening, when the new Jedi security system results in a billowing pile of smoke that crushes faster than the Hulk in a tizzy.

9. Bad Robots: Since Abrams’ production company is called Bad Robot, I’m thinking we’re going to see a tragic shift in the next movie when C3P0 and R2D2 cross over to the dark side.

8. Ceti Alpha V is overrun by Han’s superior intellect: With Abrams helming both ‘Star Trek’ and ‘Star Wars’ movies, non-geeks are bound to get confused and think the universes are connected. I say this is a great way for Han to take on Khan and see who really does have the superior intellect.

7. Leia loses her head: After Abrams sees that Carrie Fisher has cut her hair, a memo will be handed out to ‘Star Wars’ actors and actresses forbidding the act. Since viewership is tied to hair length, the entire ‘Star Wars’ franchise will fall thanks to Fisher’s hair foibles. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Keri Russell will not be asked to audition for the role of Jaina Solo. Many Bothans died for this haircut.

6. Live together, or die alone: To head off infighting in the rebel alliance, anyone questioning Luke’s leadership skills will be tossed in the Pit of Sarlacc – where they will remain until John Locke moves the planet.

5. The Teddy Bear Picnic Attack: Harrison Ford hilariously called the end of ‘Return of the Jedi’ the Teddy Bear Picnic. While I actually liked the Ewoks as a child, as an adult, I can admit their, um, shortcomings. As an offering to fans, I think the vaunted followers of Rambaldi – led by the now omnipotent Arvin Sloane – should take on the Ewoks for Endor supremacy. Anna Espinoza vs. Lupat, Kuzari Bomani vs. Chief Chirpa, and Julian Sark vs. Wicket. Let’s get ready to wub-wub.

4. Now we know why the Stormtroopers can’t hit anything: It’s a running joke in the ‘Star Wars’ universe that Stormtroopers couldn’t hit the broad side of the Death Star if they were standing inside of it. At least with Abrams directing, there will be a reason for that. All the lens flare is blinding them. If you don’t get that one, ask a ‘Star Trek’ fan.

3. Everybody loves Hugo – the Fat Jedi: Lucas may have highlighted themes of acceptance in all of his work, featuring a colorful array of characters of just about every ethnicity, what I haven’t seen in the ‘Star Wars’ universe is a fat jedi. Bring on Hurley, the ‘Lost’ ‘Star Wars’ freak who wanted to write ‘Empire Strikes Back’ for George Lucas when he was in the past so Lucas wouldn’t have to go through the work twice. The force is strong with this one – as long as you can feed him.

2. Jack Bristow -- Super Spy Jedi: Of all the characters Abrams ever realized on screen, Jack Bristow is my favorite. In the capable hands of Victor Garber, ‘Alias’ featured spy daddy in just about every scene imaginable. I’m thinking Garber should bring Bristow to the future, where we now find him working as a bounty hunter for hire and taking on Harrison Ford’s aging Han Solo in a never-ending smirk off. What? Crazier things have happened.

1. Looking for love in Alderaan places: We still don’t know if original cast members Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher will be involved in the project – but I think it would be stupid to ignore them. What I desperately want to see is Luke and Leia sit down and admit that their initial attraction to each other was not only all kinds of wrong, but all kinds of icky, too. I don’t care what Lucas says, he didn’t plan on making Luke and Leia brother and sister until later in his writing process. If that’s not the case, then the dude is all kinds of creepy.

What do you think? What do you want to see from an Abrams ‘Star Wars’ movie?


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