Saturday, June 9, 2012

Who would you want with you in a zombie apocalypse?

This week, the CDC actually issued a statement saying that zombies weren’t real.

The declaration followed several instances of cannibalism and face chewing (no joke).

This led to a conversation between my cousin and I where we debated which family members we would want with us in case a zombie apocalypse actually transpired – sadly, very few made the cut.

We both agreed we couldn’t have anyone that would spazz out, slow us down or be too bossy. That pretty much wiped out our entire family. We also nixed an aunt that we both believe wouldn’t realize the zombie apocalypse was upon us until it was already over – but I digress.

I decided to take it a step further.

Thanks to ‘The Walking Dead’ – zombies are the “it” monster right now (thankfully they’ve replaced those vapid ‘Twilight’ vampires).

I decided to build an ace zombie-fighting team out of pop culture characters – and I urge you to do the same. It’s fun on a boring Saturday afternoon when you’re stuck in the office.

The only rule is, no members of your team can have super powers. Sorry ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ fans – it has to be regular people with no “enhanced’ abilities.

Here’s my list:

Daryl Dixon (The Walking Dead): You have to go with the obvious choice first. Daryl already knows how to kill zombies and he’s proven himself invaluable to his group. He can hunt, scavage and wisecrack with the best of them.

Eliot Spencer (Leverage): Eliot is a hitter that can take out an entire room full of people without a gun or breaking a sweat. This would be invaluable – since when you fire a gun you alert zombies to your presence. Plus he can cook.

Spender Reid or Derek Morgan (Criminal Minds): This decision depends on what kind of zombies we are dealing with. If they’re fast moving zombies, I want Derek Morgan because of his athleticism. If it’s slow moving zombies, give me Spencer Reid. He’d probably be able to figure out a cure. Of course, the fast moving zombies would eat him first – so you can see my dilemma.

Ham Tyler (V): This is an oldie, I know, but Ham survived an alien invasion where the visitors tried to pack everyone up in cocoons and eat us – and he was the only one who wasn’t distracted by emotions in the process. His cold detachment – but obvious loyalty – are traits you definitely want if you’re fighting the undead.

Raylan Givens (Justified): Actually, I’d take both Raylan and Boyd – but I don’t want to take more than one character from a show. Raylan gets the edge – but only because Boyd tends to have his plans blow up in his face occasionally.

Ellen Ripley (Alien): Ripley is calm in a crisis and brave beyond belief. Plus, despite all she’s been through, she doesn’t take crap from anybody.

Katniss Everdeen (The Hunger Games): Sure, she’s a little obtuse when it comes to recognizing her worth – but Katniss is aces with a bow (silent kills would be her specialty). A born survivor, Katniss is one of those characters that you absolutely wouldn’t let stray too far from your field of vision.

Sydney Bristow (Alias): Sure, Sydney lets her emotions get the better of her sometimes – but she still always manages to be the hero. Plus, Sydney has a “sacrifice herself for others” thing – that might come in handy in a “you or her” situation.

Chuck Norris (any character): His fists should be registered as a lethal weapon. He’s so strong, he can slam a revolving door. And, he’s so bad, sharks watch Chuck Norris Week. Need I say more?

Alex Karev (Grey’s Anatomy): Let’s face it, you’re going to need a doctor and Karev is the best choice because he’s cool in a crisis, nice to look at and willing to make the hard decisions about who to leave behind and who to save.

And, because no list is truly fun if you can’t rip on people, here are the top five characters I absolutely would not want with me in a zombie apocalypse:

Hannah Horvath (Girls): I find Hannah’s narcissistic personality funny on the small screen, but in a big catastrophe? I’d shoot her in the leg to leave as fodder for the zombies so I could get away. Hannah has absolutely nothing to contribute in a zombie apocalypse but whining.

Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory): I wouldn’t even have to shoot Sheldon in the leg to get him to stay behind. He’s so self-absorbed, he wouldn’t realize the zombies were upon him until it was too late.

Shawn Spencer (Psych): I love his schtick – and his love of horror movies – but Shawn’s act would get old pretty quick. Plus, without Gus, I don’t think Shawn can acclimate to a new environment. It’s just not in his wheelhouse.

Bella Swan (Twilight): We’re talking before she gets vamped here, of course. I know I said no super powers, but Bella is so vapid and needy that I couldn’t pass on another chance to bash one of the worst characters in cinema and fiction. While everyone else is fighting zombies, Bella can lay around whining about why Edward isn’t paying enough attention to her and how important it is to have a boyfriend – even though the world is coming to an end.

Temperance Brennan (Bones): The last thing you need in a zombie apocalypse is someone obsessed with figuring out how people die. When you add to that the fact that she’s oblivious to the human condition and can’t play well with others, Brennan would have to be left behind pretty quickly. The good news is, she’d still be talking about how it’s impossible to reanimate dead flesh as the zombies ate her.

What do you think? Who would you want with you in a zombie apocalypse? Who would you shoot as a distraction?


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