Friday, December 27, 2013

GENERAL HOSPITAL: New Year's resolutions from the residents of Port Charles

Just for fun, I thought it might be entertaining to do New Year’s resolutions for our favorite Port Charles denizens.

Just a reminder: This is supposed to be fun, so let’s not freak out.

Patrick: I will learn how to use condoms. I’m a world-renowned brain surgeon, and I still managed
to have unprotected sex and (possibly) knock up two different women in a little more than a year. You’d think, especially since my wife is HIV positive, that I would have mastered a little sheath of rubber at some point.

Liz: I will figure out how to get a storyline of my own so I can stop propping other characters that don’t deserve it (cough*Sabrina*cough).

Carly: I will adjust my taste in men so it doesn’t allow me to sleep with (and make excuses for) the guy who kidnapped my daughter and arranged to have my son raped in prison.

Morgan: I will stop screeching “Mikey!” like a banshee and try (really hard) to stop reminding viewers of the Ford brothers on One Life to Live.

Ava: I will get enough self-esteem to stop sleeping with the virtual child that keeps envisioning my daughter when he’s doing me.

Kiki: I will pick a better name.

Julian: I will stop hiding behind an infant and grow a pair. I will also get it on with Alexis – because
she needs some loving and we have smoking chemistry.

Sonny: I will stop disowning children, lying for them and periodically shattering barware by tossing it into a wall. The next time I say "You're dead to me," I will actually die.

AJ: I will stop drinking every time things get rough – and I will hope beyond hope that the writers will give me more to do than drown myself in whiskey and then disappear for three months.

Carlos: I will stop trying to find dates in the shallow end of the pool because I realize I look like a dirty old man with Sabrina.

Michael: I will stop being attracted to people that may (or may not) be my cousin – and I will most definitely stop going after my brother’s wife/girlfriend.

Duke: I will realize that I’m being manipulated by a greasy little tyrant and find a way not to lose the family I fought to reclaim.

Robert: I will laugh at Ron Carlivati because he wasn’t smart enough to sign me to a contract and now Port Charles will be poorer for my absence.

Sam: I will continue to smile – something I didn’t do during the Jason years – and realize that I might have a thing for a certain type of man (especially since the last three men I’ve been in close proximity with – even though one was crazy and thought he was a vampire have all looked exactly alike).

Danny: I will just sit here and glower.

Molly: I will stop being such a Pollyanna.

TJ: I will realize that going into mob warehouses is a bad idea.

Rafe: I will realize that I have no ties to the canvas – other than an uncle that pays me zero attention – and I will volunteer for boarding school.

Taylor: I will just disappear under a rock where I belong.

Anna: I will (finally) take down the mob in Port Charles – even the ones that claim they’re coffee importers while making men dig their own graves.

Heather: I’ll realize the reason I’m crazy is because I’m actually allergic to bacon, so all those BLTs I’ve been eating have been a self-fulfilling prophecy of lunacy for me.

Franco: I will leave town and come back as a Cassidine.

Olivia: I will have a vision of total blackness – and then I’ll get shot and dumped into the watery grave that Jason currently inhabits.

Sabrina: I will get some self-worth and realize that I’m an adult and not a Disney princess. I will realize that when a man kisses someone else at his wedding to me, that means I should probably try to find love elsewhere.

Monica: I will stop enabling my children – and kick Tracy out of the house.

Tracy: I will stop enabling my ex-husband, and find a way to stay in the house.

Luke: I will continue to be a shell of my former self – spewing lies about my marriage to Laura – and pretending that I’m somehow a whole person even though I’m the worst father in history.

Lulu: I will stop being so shrill (so very, very shrill).

Dante: I will stop lying for my thug father and brother and actually do the job I signed up to do: Be a cop.

Maxie: I will come back to town thinner and with a certain glow, and reclaim the feisty heroine I used to be.

Silas: I will stop hiding my mobster past from a woman that was married to a hitman. She’s not going to care. She’s fine dating thugs. Heck, she used to marry men to steal from them. She’ll be fine with it and I look like a douche hiding phone calls like this.

Robin: I will go back in time and – when my husband says he needs time to choose – I will start him on fire and then head out to Spoon Island to get some Nikolas loving. Needs time to choose? Why did I marry this moron anyway? I mean, who asks a woman he's been reconciled with for two days to have a baby? He hasn't even asked who had me yet.

Nikolas: I will learn to see what’s right in front of me, like the fact that my current girlfriend is
carting around my nephew and pretending he’s her kid and my former girlfriend is kind of stalking me – even though she doesn’t want me and belongs with my brother.

Britt: I will find a better mix of evil and good without being a walking doormat and losing my edge. I will stop looking so guilty whenever someone looks at Ben, too. The kid is blond, how did I think I was going to get away with this?

Mac: I will realize I’m a bartender that used to be the chief of police and maybe find a different line of work.

Felicia: I will try to say more than three lines a month.

Lucy: I will not show any personal growth and stay exactly how I am – because I’m perfect.

Kevin: I will tell Lucy where I keep sneaking off to – especially since everyone else in the free world seems to know.

Scotty: I will continue being snarky to Luke and flirting with Lucy. If I happened to hop into bed with Bobbie, I’d probably be okay with that, too.

Felix: I will stop being a stereotype and try being an actual adult.

Brad: I will stop letting ever person in Port Charles bully me into doing things I know are wrong and then crying foul when someone calls me on being an idiot.

What do you think? What New Year’s resolutions do you think the denizens of Port Charles should embrace?


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