Life lessons learned . . . from horror movies

Most people think that horror movies are just a series of gruesome kills and inventive escapes.

To an extent, that’s true.

Horror movies are also a series of life lessons rolled up in a neat little package.

The question is, can you actually learn a lesson from a horror movie?

I think you can.

 

So, here are some life lessons learned from horror movies:

* You won't be right back.

 

* Never, under any circumstances, ram a metal pole into a supposedly dead serial killer in the middle of a lightning storm. He will wake up – and he will go on another killing rampage – and it will be your fault. (Friday the 13^th Part VI: Jason Lives)

* If you're a virgin, stay a virgin until the end credits.

 

* If someone appears in your doorway wearing a sheet – and doesn’t speak – do not turn your back on them and assume they're your boyfriend/girlfriend. (Halloween)

* If you find a field filled with the belongings of other people – that have seemingly gone missing and abandoned their vehicles for no apparent reason – run (do not walk) to the nearest freeway. (Wrong Turn, The Hills Have Eyes, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)

* If there’s a flesh-eating virus infecting the area – don’t drink the water – and don’t sit next to that weird kid on the swing that has a mullet and keeps screaming about pancakes. (Cabin Fever)

* If the closet eats your daughter – and the tree outside tries to eat your son – it is not alright to spend one more night in the haunted house. (Poltergeist)

* If you’re walking around with a camera and trying to “record” some natural disaster it’s not going to end well for you. (Diary of the Dead, Paranormal Activity, The Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, Quarantine)

* If you pick on the weird kid -- just lay down and wait for the locusts. It will be a less painful death than whatever the killer has planned for you.

 

* If you start seeing people in a secluded hotel that’s been cut off from society for the winter – it’s probably not a good time to develop a persecution complex. (The Shining)

* If the creepy child you just met is exhibiting strange behavioral tics – or has knowledge of certain things they shouldn’t – optimize one of those safe haven laws and get out of dodge. (The Omen, New Nightmare, Orphan)

* When on an abandoned road, do not taunt the redneck with the cannibalistic vanity plate. He’s probably not a regular redneck. (Jeepers Creepers)

* Never, under any circumstances, split up

* Never trust a clown -- especially if he's trying to hand you something from a sewer grate. (House of 1,000 Corpses, It)

* If you sacrifice a dog to a large natural predator, you will get eaten yourself. (Snakes on a Plane, Bait)

* If the killer appears dead, don’t stand over him to make sure. Just assume he’s still alive and keep your distance.

* If your house tells you to “get out,” for God’s sake listen to it. (Amityville Horror)

* If you taunt another driver, you probably deserve to get dismembered. (The Hitchhiker, Joyride)

* If both the family cat and your toddler come back “wrong” after being buried in sacred Earth, it is not alright to bury your wife there. (Pet Sematary)

* Run your parents’ names through one of those Internet geneology programs to make sure they are who they say they are and – most importantly – you are who you think you are.

* If there’s a knock on the door in the middle of the night – and yet you can’t see anyone on the front porch – do not wander out there to “take a look around.” (The Strangers)

* Faster isn’t better. Skip the shortcut. (The Hills Have Eyes)

* If there’s a haunted legend about your new house, just set a fire and burn it for the insurance money. It’s going to end up that way anyway. This will save you some time.

What do you think? What have you learned from horror movies?