Why Dark Shadows will ultimately fail

Make fun of soap opera fans at your own risk.

That’s not a threat, just a warning.

Sure, it’s easy to pick on a group of people who enjoy watching a genre where evil twins, multiple personalities and back from the dead characters are the norm rather than the exception.

When you do that, though, you should realize that soap opera fans are fanatical about their genre.

We can go on message boards and bash the characters, writers, directors and other posters – but we love our shows. Those that are going to look down their noses at us should probably beware.

Tim Burton is now on that list of people who better hope he’s never in a dark alley with a group of soap opera fans – because he won’t come out alive.

When I first heard they were turning ‘Dark Shadows’ into a theatrical movie I was thrilled. My mother almost named me Daphne because of this show (thankfully that didn’t happen) – but the soap still rocked.

When I heard who the director and star (Johnny Depp) were going to be, I was intrigued. Not only was the original a campy wonder, but the 1990s revival was an atmospheric masterpiece. Burton and Depp could do something amazing with this story.

Then, when I saw the trailer, I was livid. Not only did Burton spit in the face of soap fans when he approached the project as a spoof, but he also appears to have lost his edge if the trailer is any indication. He went for every single lame joke that is out there – including the trite “tiny minstrels” in the television.

I will not see this movie on general principle.

I know it makes me a hypocrite to bash it without seeing it – something I would call others out on – but I refuse to give Burton a dime of my money for this hack job.

First of all, the reviews have been abysmal. Not only does everyone say the spoof aspect doesn’t work, but apparently Depp basically mugs his way through the entire film. He’s even been named one of the lamest vampires of all time.

Deadline is reporting that the movie looks to be limping to a $28 million opening (on a $175 million budget – ouch). That’s really not a bad number for a normal movie. For something that was supposed to be a summer blockbuster, though, and rake in $60 million in its opening weekend that is dismal.

When you add to that the fact that ‘Dark Shadows’ is now losing one morning show and one evening show so theaters can add two additional daily showings of ‘The Avengers’ – it looks like this movie is going to have a very short theater life.

Usually, I don’t wish actual financial devastation on any film. In this case, I’ll make an exception.

Burton’s last few films haven’t been great. I still thought he was a good filmmaker, though. Let’s hope he’s learned an important lesson here. If you take on soap fans, you might want to take them seriously.

What do you think? Are you glad ‘Dark Shadows’ is failing?